| Location | Chicago, Illinois |
| Age | 22 years |
| Cause of Death | Overdose |
| Date of Birth | 17/05/1987 |
| Date of Death | 25/05/2009 |
| Visitors | 1,783 since 25/07/2009 |
| Creator |
Sweet James. My youngest of three. So gentle and smart, but never free. I watched you struggle with your emotions and addiction, but I could never reach out quite far enough to save you. So you leave us behind. Now you are at peace. Free from the pain and your "war." Watch over us until we meet again. Loving you forever....Mom.
2012
Dearest James,
Well, here we are again at the start of another year without you in this world. Two years and seven months have gone by now....I am still searching for the magic book with the secret of moving on through life without you. One of the strangest things that happens to me is to look at myself in a mirror....growing older as the days go by....and then looking at all the pictures of you I've placed around me....and your face will never change. You are forever 22. It is an incomprehensible thought.... I feel the strangeness of having to accept your no longer being here - it is a force unto itself that pushes its way into my thoughts and life. A notion that, in its sly way, has begun to plant roots to stay. You missed another cruise.....one you would have been on had you still been around. It hurt to watch your cousins live and thrive and enjoy. Did they give a thought to you, I wonder...How easy it is to get sucked into this stupid life and forget.....I have no particular aspirations for this new year. Only that I hope to change a few things....maybe....like get out of this little house of haunted memories. Maybe become a wind turbine technician. What do you think of that, James? I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, a heavenly new year to you, my son. I have cried oceans of tears for you and yet still they come. I love you forever. Mom
This long journey....
Dear James,
Just like they say that children do not come with instructions, neither does this terrible grief. It has been two years and five months now. I have fallen back into the abyss. I cry so for you these days. Sometimes I feel as though I am losing my grip on reality. And then I wonder if that is such a terrible thing? How can I even comprehend ten years down a road where you have remained 22 and I have fallen and picked myself up gray and bent over from this deeply rooted pain?
My thoughts wonder aimlessly about without purpose or direction. I just cannot understand....cannot comprehend. I can only distract and try to stay the course. Storms build inside my head and it rains in my heart. I am scraped, bruised and bleeding from dropping to my knees.
They cannot understand...cannot comprehend - this journey I take as your lost mother......
Where are you, James?
Thinking of you as always
Dear James.
I am sitting in a hospital bed. Been here for over a week now. This whole process has thrown my grief off kilter and that has upset me. They are not sure what is wrong with me but I now have a new scar down the middle of my stomach. I talked to you before they put me under anesthesia. Though maybe I would go deep enough into my subconscious to have access to you. It did not work. Haven't seen any signs from you in forever. Miss you every day. It is summer again. The weather has been very strange. Many violent storms. Nick and Jen are getting a new room mate to help offset the rent. Tat turned 11 and Gabe will be 4 soon. I had a party for Erin's 30. We let balloons up into the air for you with messages. Hope you saw them. We never forget you. So besides the great loss and pain I carry in my heart, I now have to deal with some stupid physical problem. Perhaps I am finally just getting older. I hope you are happier now where you are. Sending you much love. Your mom who misses you so much.
Miss you man
Some times i just get the urge to google you man and see if there is anything else i could learn about my best friend from highschool. Its been to long man and we will never get to chill again and it is heartbreaking to me. You were my best friend in highschool and one of my only friends in life i miss you buddy my family misses you and your family misses you.
-Adam J Levenson
24th birthday and 2nd AD
Dearest James.
We would have celebrated your 24th birthday last week. Today is the second anniversary of your death. It never gets any easier. In some ways, it is harder. Hard to believe you are not with us and part of my three musketeers anymore....what I would give to have a few minutes to talk with you again. Going to the cemetery this year was worse than last year. Perhaps it is the reality that is sinking in. I wish I had done more for you. It is something that haunts me daily. The irony of life. I know you would not want us to be so sad. It is more the abrupt and unnatural void your death has left us with. We are all trying to cope in our different ways. Know that you are always in my thoughts and my heart. I speak your name daily. As long as I walk this earth, you will never be forgotten. I send you my love. Your energy must be out there somewhere. Peace, love and light. Your mom
Mother's Day 2011
Hello my dear James.
Another mother's day without you. I told Nick and Erin that I could not bear a day "together" without you. This day and your birthday are the hardest for me each year. I think of you every hour of every day. I read so many sad stories of other moms who lost their children like I lost you. Today I think of you deeply. You wrote many sweet cards to me in the past. I bring them out and read your loving messages. I hope you are finally at peace. I try to survive in this world without you. We all do. I hope you feel my love wherever you are. It is spring finally. The sun shines and the promise of new life is everywhere. So bittersweet. Send me a sign today. Sending you my love. Your mom
Life...
Dearest James,
Life sucks right now. It is nearing May. Today I ended a relationship that meant a lot to me. I hurt badly. I was hoping for a shoulder to lean on while the second year without you comes to a close. Such is life. How I miss you! I have swallowed my pain and tears so much lately. No one understands. I feel so very alone. Could you please watch over me...
I love you always,
Mom
Stopped by...
Hello James.
I think of you every day, You are never forgotten. I cried for a long time today. Went looking for something in one of your boxes. All the little things that said you once lived here. Still nothing makes much sense. I miss you so much, James. So many moments that are still so hard to bear. You are becoming a memory to most everyone now except me. You live in my heart every moment of my life. It is where I know you now exist. It is where you began. Wish I could hug you and feel you put your strong hands on my shoulders again. With love and a broken heart. Your mom.
Soon another new year
James,
My heart is heavy this holiday season. The second one without you. Time passes so quickly now, yet it feels so meaningless most of the time. Our small family will gather together on Saturday. There will be this empty space where you should be. There is a hole I fall into several times a day. I wonder where you are now....energy returned to the universe.
love you and miss you terribly,
mom
August 15 - Tat and Gabe
Dear James,
Today we are having a birthday party for Tat and Gabe. It will be at a park just like the last one you went to. I will feel your absence most acutely. You should be here to hug and play with them. You should be here....period. How very hard it still is living without you. Love, mom
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